Nobody Gets Hurt If They Don't Act Funny

Tuesday, 29th April 1997

Everybody be cool, this is a robbery.

"Hello, my name is Joan Polglase, and I've been robbing banks, building societies and other financial holding establishments for the past twenty years.

"Like all hobbies, mine got started by accident when a friend at poly in Coventry suggested we subsidised our grants with a crime spree. This was the year of the Pistols, the Clash, and to a lesser extent the Boney M - there was a mad spirit of freedom and anarchy in the air, and I'd incinerated my brassieres during freshers' week. Bank robbery seemed like more of a personal form of expression. We held up the Barclays Bank in Coventry town centre with a replica German Luger and a sawn-off double- barrelled shotgun one of the local farmers had been using to mix the swill. Both totally harmless, but that's essentially the joy of urban terrorism, really, isn't it?

"Our crime spree came to an abrupt halt halfway through the second job when Zim, my partner, dropped the sawn-off on his foot. To our shock and surprise, the thing went off with an almighty blast and shot a hole in the ceiling, causing us to scarper, screaming, much to the bemusement of the people lying face down on the floor. Fortunately that evening we were off for our two-month interior design placement to Barcelona, it had all blown over by the time we got back.

"I left Coventry Polytechnic with an upper second in ID with Arch., and a suitcase full of used and unused twenties and tens. Pretty good start for a graduate."

B