Wintering in Denial / Monthless Weekless

Monday, 14th April 1997

Good morning. Owing to a staff shortage and an unsuccessful recruiting drive, the world will be ending approximately 5,000 million years earlier than expected. After extensive review, quantifying and review of the data and available stats, it is the opinion of those involved that the world has grown beyond its capability to manage itself and will cease being cost-effective by the turn of the millennium, and that therefore a massive damage limitation exercise needs to be "instigated with immediate commencement". The termination of the earth has already begun in the southern hemisphere, and we hope that the new program will rapidly expedite this planet's demise with, we hope, almost brutal efficacy. On a lighter note, extrapolations of the process have been manipulated to create what our scientists call a "terminus zone" on the Greenwich meridian, and what this effectively means is that the world will end at the party in Trafalgar Square on New Years Eve. Sadly, control of the effect is hard to determine or fine-tune, so the climax of history could happen as early as 4.30pm. But by then, our people promise, no-one will give a monkeys anyway.

So sit back in your chairs, we'll plug 'em in.

B