Monday, 14th April 1997
Good morning. Owing to a staff shortage and an unsuccessful recruiting drive, the world will be ending approximately 5,000 million years earlier than expected. After extensive review, quantifying and review of the data and available stats, it is the opinion of those involved that the world has grown beyond its capability to manage itself and will cease being cost-effective by the turn of the millennium, and that therefore a massive damage limitation exercise needs to be "instigated with immediate commencement". The termination of the earth has already begun in the southern hemisphere, and we hope that the new program will rapidly expedite this planet's demise with, we hope, almost brutal efficacy. On a lighter note, extrapolations of the process have been manipulated to create what our scientists call a "terminus zone" on the Greenwich meridian, and what this effectively means is that the world will end at the party in Trafalgar Square on New Years Eve. Sadly, control of the effect is hard to determine or fine-tune, so the climax of history could happen as early as 4.30pm. But by then, our people promise, no-one will give a monkeys anyway.
So sit back in your chairs, we'll plug 'em in.
B
Friday, 29 February 2008
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Seven Chinese Brothers
Friday, 11th April 1997
Here's a fun little exercise. When you have a moment, just stop what you're doing. Move yourself back a little from your desk. Take a deep breath. Stretch. Then look at everything around you, the office, the people, your desk, your work. Count to 10 in your head as fast as you can without slurring any numbers and ask yourself, matter-of-factly; "why am I really doing all this?" See what you come up with, jot them down, as many as you can in the time you've allotted yourself. Get deep, figure out root causes. Look at the negative reasons and set them straight in your head, look at the positive ones and give yourself a pat on the back. Then go back to work. The day will seem to go much faster.
It's still officially morning, so this is still officially a morning message.
Eat drink and be merry, for tommorrow never comes.
B
p.s. SPACE FISH!
Here's a fun little exercise. When you have a moment, just stop what you're doing. Move yourself back a little from your desk. Take a deep breath. Stretch. Then look at everything around you, the office, the people, your desk, your work. Count to 10 in your head as fast as you can without slurring any numbers and ask yourself, matter-of-factly; "why am I really doing all this?" See what you come up with, jot them down, as many as you can in the time you've allotted yourself. Get deep, figure out root causes. Look at the negative reasons and set them straight in your head, look at the positive ones and give yourself a pat on the back. Then go back to work. The day will seem to go much faster.
It's still officially morning, so this is still officially a morning message.
Eat drink and be merry, for tommorrow never comes.
B
p.s. SPACE FISH!
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Strange News From Another Moon
Thursday, 10th April 1997
Photos from space probe Galileo confirm that under the thick layer of ice on the Jovian moon of Europa there is in fact an ocean. This ocean is warmed by volcanic action at the moon's core. This in turn, almost certainly, means life. Which, extrapolated over millions of years, means... SPACE FISH! Woohoo!
Other space news: a flare of poisonous electromagnetic gas caused by an explosion on the sun is heading this way at 2 million miles an hour and should be hitting the earth sometime this afternoon, knocking out satellites, radios and other such fun stuff. Meh.
It's time to take a moment out, folks, to contemplate your relative size and importance on a cosmic scale, and feel the resurgent knowledge of your mote-like insignificance weather your spirit.
SPACE FISH!!!!!!
B
Photos from space probe Galileo confirm that under the thick layer of ice on the Jovian moon of Europa there is in fact an ocean. This ocean is warmed by volcanic action at the moon's core. This in turn, almost certainly, means life. Which, extrapolated over millions of years, means... SPACE FISH! Woohoo!
Other space news: a flare of poisonous electromagnetic gas caused by an explosion on the sun is heading this way at 2 million miles an hour and should be hitting the earth sometime this afternoon, knocking out satellites, radios and other such fun stuff. Meh.
It's time to take a moment out, folks, to contemplate your relative size and importance on a cosmic scale, and feel the resurgent knowledge of your mote-like insignificance weather your spirit.
SPACE FISH!!!!!!
B
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Prick Features
Wednesday, 9th April 1997
Anybody got any tips for an ailing cactus? It's looking all peaky, probably just ailing from office conditions. As are we all, I suppose, but I've got a feeling cactii don't respond quite so well to lots of coffee and a good bitch.
Once again, thanks for the response. The NAME THAT CACTUS switchboard lit up almost immediately, I had to get celebrity e-mail operators (such as Ruth Madoc from TV's "Hi-de-hi") in to cope with the volume of suggestions.
Meh. It probably wouldn't have made any difference anyway. I'm calling it Reg.
And yes, I am aware of how sad it is to personify a plant and then go on to tell everyone about it. What can I say? We are all of us victims of circumstance.
B
Anybody got any tips for an ailing cactus? It's looking all peaky, probably just ailing from office conditions. As are we all, I suppose, but I've got a feeling cactii don't respond quite so well to lots of coffee and a good bitch.
Once again, thanks for the response. The NAME THAT CACTUS switchboard lit up almost immediately, I had to get celebrity e-mail operators (such as Ruth Madoc from TV's "Hi-de-hi") in to cope with the volume of suggestions.
Meh. It probably wouldn't have made any difference anyway. I'm calling it Reg.
And yes, I am aware of how sad it is to personify a plant and then go on to tell everyone about it. What can I say? We are all of us victims of circumstance.
B
Monday, 25 February 2008
Fatuous Little Tagnut
Tuesday, 8th April 1997
Words of wisdom? You'll be lucky. How about:
"Familiarity breeds contempt, but Bernard Matthews breeds turkeys."
Pfh.
-
I've inherited a large cactus. It's sat on the desk currently acting as a sunglasses caddy, and it looks mean as fark. What it doesn't have is a name, so here's a competition:
NAME THAT CACTUS!
The best suggestion wins a secret mystery prize. Anyone who suggests "Spike" gets a slap and will be sent to the back of the class for the duration of double English.
-
Your hair looks fabulous. Give yourself a pat on the back.
B
Words of wisdom? You'll be lucky. How about:
"Familiarity breeds contempt, but Bernard Matthews breeds turkeys."
Pfh.
-
I've inherited a large cactus. It's sat on the desk currently acting as a sunglasses caddy, and it looks mean as fark. What it doesn't have is a name, so here's a competition:
NAME THAT CACTUS!
The best suggestion wins a secret mystery prize. Anyone who suggests "Spike" gets a slap and will be sent to the back of the class for the duration of double English.
-
Your hair looks fabulous. Give yourself a pat on the back.
B
Friday, 22 February 2008
Howling Kaddishness
Monday, 7th April 1997
"I saw the best minds of my generation
Destroyed by madness starving hysterical
Oh hell, it's the sixties..."
Big round of applause for the beat poet and writer Allen Ginsberg who, like contemporary William S Burroughs, surprised the hell out of everyone by living to a ripe old age despite abusing any number of proscribed pharmaceuticals. Allen Ginsberg, ladies and gentlemen,
dead at seventy this weekend!
The third leading light of the beat generation was of course Jack Kerouac who produced a number of largely incoherent yet well received and seminal books whilst running out on his wife and kids, eventually succumbing totally to alcoholism and dying a complete git.
I feel no shame in admitting that I began and gave up reading "On The Road" three times before purchasing the Penguin spoken word version read by the illustrious David Carradine. Let's hear it for the twentieth century.
B(t)
"I saw the best minds of my generation
Destroyed by madness starving hysterical
Oh hell, it's the sixties..."
Big round of applause for the beat poet and writer Allen Ginsberg who, like contemporary William S Burroughs, surprised the hell out of everyone by living to a ripe old age despite abusing any number of proscribed pharmaceuticals. Allen Ginsberg, ladies and gentlemen,
dead at seventy this weekend!
The third leading light of the beat generation was of course Jack Kerouac who produced a number of largely incoherent yet well received and seminal books whilst running out on his wife and kids, eventually succumbing totally to alcoholism and dying a complete git.
I feel no shame in admitting that I began and gave up reading "On The Road" three times before purchasing the Penguin spoken word version read by the illustrious David Carradine. Let's hear it for the twentieth century.
B(t)
Thursday, 21 February 2008
You And Whose Army
Thursday, 3rd April 1997
Couldn't believe it. Picked up a bottle of Cotes du Rhone in a Parisien supermarket next to the Pompidou for the equivalent of about 70p, not expecting anything really, and only got round to drinking it last night. And it was gorgeous (insert over-effusive description here, containing at least the words "fruity", "full-bodied" and "satisfying"). And we only bought the one bottle. Bugger.
Save it, I've got a weak finish.
So it's Thursday 9.20am. It feels like Wednesday 8.20am. The Pentagon released a statement yesterday declaring that UFOs are arse. The programme announcer last night on Channel 4 was wearing a Go West t-shirt. None of this helps.
Send food and clothing
B
Couldn't believe it. Picked up a bottle of Cotes du Rhone in a Parisien supermarket next to the Pompidou for the equivalent of about 70p, not expecting anything really, and only got round to drinking it last night. And it was gorgeous (insert over-effusive description here, containing at least the words "fruity", "full-bodied" and "satisfying"). And we only bought the one bottle. Bugger.
Save it, I've got a weak finish.
So it's Thursday 9.20am. It feels like Wednesday 8.20am. The Pentagon released a statement yesterday declaring that UFOs are arse. The programme announcer last night on Channel 4 was wearing a Go West t-shirt. None of this helps.
Send food and clothing
B
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
What Mario Isn't Telling You
Wednesday, 2nd April 1997
A warm goodmorning from Workstation 42. Here in the comfort of a sterile environment, the tireless efforts of a tall, bearded graphic designer spool in colour from a nearby printer.
Slowly the machine runs and whirrs, rhythmically,
>click<>click<>click< ahhhrrr mmmmm...
lulling him into a trans-hypnotic trance state, where even the slightest suggestion can induce extreme reactions.
Try it yourself. Stand by a busy printer or photocopier. Relax, and focus your thoughts on the rhythm of the machine. Then close your eyes and silently whisper to yourself, "I am an ostrich, I am an ostrich, I am an ostrich....", and within seconds you will assume the kinetic characteristics of an ostrich. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and stick my head in a cup of coffee.
B
A warm goodmorning from Workstation 42. Here in the comfort of a sterile environment, the tireless efforts of a tall, bearded graphic designer spool in colour from a nearby printer.
Slowly the machine runs and whirrs, rhythmically,
>click<>click<>click< ahhhrrr mmmmm...
lulling him into a trans-hypnotic trance state, where even the slightest suggestion can induce extreme reactions.
Try it yourself. Stand by a busy printer or photocopier. Relax, and focus your thoughts on the rhythm of the machine. Then close your eyes and silently whisper to yourself, "I am an ostrich, I am an ostrich, I am an ostrich....", and within seconds you will assume the kinetic characteristics of an ostrich. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and stick my head in a cup of coffee.
B
Tuesday, 19 February 2008
Whiplash Killed The Silver Son
Tuesday, 1st April 1997
I come back from Easter holiday to the newly refurbished downstairs of Pharma Balimo and my new desk. Everything is as it should be; the splendour of order, the freedom of movement, the total lack of panic and disorder honeys the air with calm and peace.
April Fool! Welcome to Pandemonium. Oh alright, it's not that bad. Actually it's rather nice, the blue dividers and the beech tabletops, and try as I might I cannot get my desk in a mess. Everything works okay, so what have I got to complain about? Nothing. I'm just like that.
Hope your weekend was long and lovely. Mmmm. Right, I'll shut up now.
#B^{)}
I come back from Easter holiday to the newly refurbished downstairs of Pharma Balimo and my new desk. Everything is as it should be; the splendour of order, the freedom of movement, the total lack of panic and disorder honeys the air with calm and peace.
April Fool! Welcome to Pandemonium. Oh alright, it's not that bad. Actually it's rather nice, the blue dividers and the beech tabletops, and try as I might I cannot get my desk in a mess. Everything works okay, so what have I got to complain about? Nothing. I'm just like that.
Hope your weekend was long and lovely. Mmmm. Right, I'll shut up now.
#B^{)}
Monday, 18 February 2008
Hand Me My Nose Ring, Show Me The Mosh Pit
Thursday, 27th March 1997
I couldn't be bothered to pack all my stuff into boxes to be moved downstairs, so I'm burning the whole lot and starting again. It's causing a bit of heat, so I've smashed one of the windows in the lightwell to let the air in. All part of my professional office refurb training, folks.
Everyone's very "cazh" here at Pharma Balimo today, the place is awash with soft cotton and muted earth tones, it's the last day of term again and old B-ster here totally didn't remember. Not only did I come in in uniform, I forgot my LCD Donkey Kong and Ker-Plunk!. Bugger. Anyone for pogs?
"Jerry Maguire": Oscar-nominee Tom Cruise in a performance that guaranteed him not to actually win. Good but not outstanding. Nice film, cute kid, go Cuba, yadda yadda yadda. What really spoiled it for us was the moron Harrow staff banging the door open every ten minutes so we could hear them talking outside, wanndering in and out and clattering their dustpans, but then if they hadn't done that we wouldn't've got our money back, so it's swings and roundabouts really.
B (SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!)
I couldn't be bothered to pack all my stuff into boxes to be moved downstairs, so I'm burning the whole lot and starting again. It's causing a bit of heat, so I've smashed one of the windows in the lightwell to let the air in. All part of my professional office refurb training, folks.
Everyone's very "cazh" here at Pharma Balimo today, the place is awash with soft cotton and muted earth tones, it's the last day of term again and old B-ster here totally didn't remember. Not only did I come in in uniform, I forgot my LCD Donkey Kong and Ker-Plunk!. Bugger. Anyone for pogs?
"Jerry Maguire": Oscar-nominee Tom Cruise in a performance that guaranteed him not to actually win. Good but not outstanding. Nice film, cute kid, go Cuba, yadda yadda yadda. What really spoiled it for us was the moron Harrow staff banging the door open every ten minutes so we could hear them talking outside, wanndering in and out and clattering their dustpans, but then if they hadn't done that we wouldn't've got our money back, so it's swings and roundabouts really.
B (SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!)
Friday, 15 February 2008
He'd Like To Come And See Us But He Thinks He'll Blow Our Minds
Tuesday, 25th March 1997
Saw a comet clearly last night for the first time. We stood out in the street pointing it out to each other like it was the end of the world, trying very hard to remain unimpressed. It looked like a star with a blurry thumbprint on it. Still very beautiful though. Does anyone know anything about it? I don't watch the news or read papers, so I know Barry White about anything, me. Constant state of surprise.
I didn't stay up to watch the Oscars last night, but I feel like I did. And how come Michael Jackson's named his son Prince? Surely a symbol shaped like a rattle would've been far more appropriate.
The English Patient? Of course we are.
B
Saw a comet clearly last night for the first time. We stood out in the street pointing it out to each other like it was the end of the world, trying very hard to remain unimpressed. It looked like a star with a blurry thumbprint on it. Still very beautiful though. Does anyone know anything about it? I don't watch the news or read papers, so I know Barry White about anything, me. Constant state of surprise.
I didn't stay up to watch the Oscars last night, but I feel like I did. And how come Michael Jackson's named his son Prince? Surely a symbol shaped like a rattle would've been far more appropriate.
The English Patient? Of course we are.
B
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Strange News from Another Star
Friday, 21st March 1997
One of the major US tobacco companies has made history by becoming the first to admit that smoking causes cancer and that nicotine is addictive. Expect the following statements over the next few months:
BNFL: "Our nuclear power stations cause leukaemia clusters in local communities."
Esso: "Our fossil fuels are evaporating the ozone layer."
Coca-Cola: "Our secret ingredient is tar."
KFC: "Our secret ingredient is asbestos."
FBI: "All the conspiracy theories about us are true. Except the ones about Elvis."
Tate & Lyle: "Your teeth will fall out."
Disney: "Our founder had a sexual fascination for domestic animals, hence a talking mouse in body-hugging dungarees."
Microsoft: "All systems are synchronised to wipeout on Bill's 45th birthday."
Skoda: "Yes, they're made out of cardboard."
B
One of the major US tobacco companies has made history by becoming the first to admit that smoking causes cancer and that nicotine is addictive. Expect the following statements over the next few months:
BNFL: "Our nuclear power stations cause leukaemia clusters in local communities."
Esso: "Our fossil fuels are evaporating the ozone layer."
Coca-Cola: "Our secret ingredient is tar."
KFC: "Our secret ingredient is asbestos."
FBI: "All the conspiracy theories about us are true. Except the ones about Elvis."
Tate & Lyle: "Your teeth will fall out."
Disney: "Our founder had a sexual fascination for domestic animals, hence a talking mouse in body-hugging dungarees."
Microsoft: "All systems are synchronised to wipeout on Bill's 45th birthday."
Skoda: "Yes, they're made out of cardboard."
B
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
Merde Étrange
Wednesday, 19th March 1997
Hello and all that, have I missed anything?
Had a lovely romantic weekend in the City of Love and Dogshit, did the Louvre, walked a lot, drank lots of red wine and a litre of Gueuze de Bécasse which holds the title of Best Drink In The World for the second year running, generally understood and even spoke more French than I thought I would and all that kind of stuff.
What's new in the world of Tim?
B(ack)
Hello and all that, have I missed anything?
Had a lovely romantic weekend in the City of Love and Dogshit, did the Louvre, walked a lot, drank lots of red wine and a litre of Gueuze de Bécasse which holds the title of Best Drink In The World for the second year running, generally understood and even spoke more French than I thought I would and all that kind of stuff.
What's new in the world of Tim?
B(ack)
Tuesday, 12 February 2008
Something In The Water Does Not Compute
Tuesday, 4th March 1997
Damn! I did have a proper morning message and everything, I knew what I was going to say, this is what it was.
Okay, so we've been told that there's this bug in the water supplies. The first I heard of it, yesterday MORNING, only Watford and Hemel Hempstead were affected, with 30 cases of linked illness reported. Remember that; 30 cases in total by 7.30am.
The bug is non-lethal and only mildly toxic, but widely publicised. Therefore you think twice about using tapwater, not just for drinking but FULL STOP; showers are quicker, baths 'feel' unrelaxing, that sort of thing. And spread that over the whole of the region, that's a lot of water. Not many people would bother to boil drinking water, then let it cool, when the local suermarket stocks inexpensive bottled water (last night at Harrow Tesco was a massacre, folks; they had a security guard on the Evian trolley). The bug has since been explained calmly and rationally; no blame is apportionable to Three Valleys.
Now then, the country as a whole (Three Valleys in particular) has been suffering the driest winter for over a hundred years. Stocks are dwindling now, imagine what they'll be like in the summer. Public water companies cannot financially endure embarrassment in the summer when water usage is at its highest, the shares would take a huge battering.
However, if there were to be a little scare and the company was seen to take charge from the outset (which it was), then share confidence wouldn't be hit quite as hard, and over three days, or a week say, the water saved would be the equivalent of the same time in continuous downpour, protecting the stocks for the summer and saving the company.
Something they could control from the start; say, a very mild poisoning of a small area affecting few people that could be SAID to affect the whole system. And maybe a mild outbreak of psychosomatic poisoning throughout the region, just to make it look good.
Last night on the nine o'clock news - 30 genuine connected cases had been reported. Fourteen hours, a few million people, and no change.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly give you: this month's Conspiracy Theory!!!
B (Vigilant)
Damn! I did have a proper morning message and everything, I knew what I was going to say, this is what it was.
Okay, so we've been told that there's this bug in the water supplies. The first I heard of it, yesterday MORNING, only Watford and Hemel Hempstead were affected, with 30 cases of linked illness reported. Remember that; 30 cases in total by 7.30am.
The bug is non-lethal and only mildly toxic, but widely publicised. Therefore you think twice about using tapwater, not just for drinking but FULL STOP; showers are quicker, baths 'feel' unrelaxing, that sort of thing. And spread that over the whole of the region, that's a lot of water. Not many people would bother to boil drinking water, then let it cool, when the local suermarket stocks inexpensive bottled water (last night at Harrow Tesco was a massacre, folks; they had a security guard on the Evian trolley). The bug has since been explained calmly and rationally; no blame is apportionable to Three Valleys.
Now then, the country as a whole (Three Valleys in particular) has been suffering the driest winter for over a hundred years. Stocks are dwindling now, imagine what they'll be like in the summer. Public water companies cannot financially endure embarrassment in the summer when water usage is at its highest, the shares would take a huge battering.
However, if there were to be a little scare and the company was seen to take charge from the outset (which it was), then share confidence wouldn't be hit quite as hard, and over three days, or a week say, the water saved would be the equivalent of the same time in continuous downpour, protecting the stocks for the summer and saving the company.
Something they could control from the start; say, a very mild poisoning of a small area affecting few people that could be SAID to affect the whole system. And maybe a mild outbreak of psychosomatic poisoning throughout the region, just to make it look good.
Last night on the nine o'clock news - 30 genuine connected cases had been reported. Fourteen hours, a few million people, and no change.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly give you: this month's Conspiracy Theory!!!
B (Vigilant)
Monday, 11 February 2008
Boogaloo Dudes Carry The News
Monday, 3rd March 1997
ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA ngA "ngA ngA ngA", ngA ngA. ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA ! ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA - ngA ngA ngA. ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngowever I'd have to say that Tim Burton's made far better movies with more story for less money. But bearing in mind that whereas some flicks are adapted from books and others from real-life, "Mars Attacks" originated from 1950s bubblegum cards, and in that respect it is a successful film. Next week on Film '97...
Do write in with your suggestions for a cosmically better life; I am currently researching the meaning of existence on a low-level scale and am looking for a catchy sound-bite to sum it all up. That's "Life in Seven Words or Less". Thank you for existing.
Eat football. Sleep football. Drink warm flat lager.
B(ylophone)
ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA ngA "ngA ngA ngA", ngA ngA. ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA ! ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA - ngA ngA ngA. ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngA ngA ngA, ngA ngowever I'd have to say that Tim Burton's made far better movies with more story for less money. But bearing in mind that whereas some flicks are adapted from books and others from real-life, "Mars Attacks" originated from 1950s bubblegum cards, and in that respect it is a successful film. Next week on Film '97...
Do write in with your suggestions for a cosmically better life; I am currently researching the meaning of existence on a low-level scale and am looking for a catchy sound-bite to sum it all up. That's "Life in Seven Words or Less". Thank you for existing.
Eat football. Sleep football. Drink warm flat lager.
B(ylophone)
Friday, 8 February 2008
MS 203 - Post-modern Cultural References in American Cinema
Friday, 27th February 1997
A great time was had by all last night. Unfortunately for us, the great time in question has gone to the police and is pressing charges of abuse against each of us separately. Great times are not to be trifled with, and a trifle is no measure of greatness.
Here's a list of words that rhyme with trifle.
Now bend over and cough.
B
A great time was had by all last night. Unfortunately for us, the great time in question has gone to the police and is pressing charges of abuse against each of us separately. Great times are not to be trifled with, and a trifle is no measure of greatness.
Here's a list of words that rhyme with trifle.
Rifle
Rifle (verb)
Stifle
Schteifel (Austrian slang for nob)
Eiffel (Anglicised - the French say "Ee-fell")
Archetypal (para-rhyme)
Bible (very tenuous)
Libel (rhymes with 'bible')
Gyroscope (doesn't)
Spoon (mmmnh)
Now bend over and cough.
B
Thursday, 7 February 2008
Everybody Is A Star
Thursday, 27th February 1997
Well, after yesterday's brouhaha I feel a bit deflated, a touch of post-traumatic mail disorder if you will. However, it was great craic and I'd do it all again... not that I'm going to. I wonder if Lauren would've complained about the abuse of the system if the game had ended with Gilles' little linguistic cabaret (which I'd like to add she DEFENDED at the time)? Smug get that I am...
As usual many missed the point, but who gives a monkey's?
Top marks for Harrow's new pubs. Yates's gets the awards for "Highest Ceiling" and "Most Confused Barstaff", while the Philomath & Firkin scoops "Best Smell" and "Best Free Beer"! I managed to persuade the Firkin people to part with 6 more free pint tokens, so when are we going, folks?
Must go, more French people to taunt...
B(elligerance is bliss)
Well, after yesterday's brouhaha I feel a bit deflated, a touch of post-traumatic mail disorder if you will. However, it was great craic and I'd do it all again... not that I'm going to. I wonder if Lauren would've complained about the abuse of the system if the game had ended with Gilles' little linguistic cabaret (which I'd like to add she DEFENDED at the time)? Smug get that I am...
As usual many missed the point, but who gives a monkey's?
Top marks for Harrow's new pubs. Yates's gets the awards for "Highest Ceiling" and "Most Confused Barstaff", while the Philomath & Firkin scoops "Best Smell" and "Best Free Beer"! I managed to persuade the Firkin people to part with 6 more free pint tokens, so when are we going, folks?
Must go, more French people to taunt...
B(elligerance is bliss)
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Hot Fun In The Summertime
Wednesday, 26th February 1997
Came in, took off my hat, scarf, coat and gloves. Basia comes up and says there are some acetates at the new building we need photocopying, would I be a dear, so I put on my gloves, coat, scarf and hat and went out again. Good start to the day actually, got an extra 20 minutes of Sly and the Family Stone which I wouldn't've otherwise so there you go. Eerily quiet over there, though.
Wonderful to hear Janet Jackson's stalker is claiming to be both her husband AND Jesus Christ. That's like two loonies for the price of one. It's bargains like that that're worth the loss of privacy and inevitable sheltering of the soul.
Do you like good music? Yeah, yeah? Like sweet soul music? Yeah, yeah? Meh, bores the tagnuts off me. Especially what passes for soul in the '90s; processed, rehashed, soulless dance-oriented owl-pellets emitted by an endless stream of cloned American talent-vacuums. R Kelly? R Soul more like, and you could say that to his face without him catching on 'cos he's as immundicogniscent as the rest of his countrymen and wouldn't know an anglicism if it knocked him off his chopper.
B(enophobia)
Came in, took off my hat, scarf, coat and gloves. Basia comes up and says there are some acetates at the new building we need photocopying, would I be a dear, so I put on my gloves, coat, scarf and hat and went out again. Good start to the day actually, got an extra 20 minutes of Sly and the Family Stone which I wouldn't've otherwise so there you go. Eerily quiet over there, though.
Wonderful to hear Janet Jackson's stalker is claiming to be both her husband AND Jesus Christ. That's like two loonies for the price of one. It's bargains like that that're worth the loss of privacy and inevitable sheltering of the soul.
Do you like good music? Yeah, yeah? Like sweet soul music? Yeah, yeah? Meh, bores the tagnuts off me. Especially what passes for soul in the '90s; processed, rehashed, soulless dance-oriented owl-pellets emitted by an endless stream of cloned American talent-vacuums. R Kelly? R Soul more like, and you could say that to his face without him catching on 'cos he's as immundicogniscent as the rest of his countrymen and wouldn't know an anglicism if it knocked him off his chopper.
B(enophobia)
Tuesday, 5 February 2008
A Permanent Crease In Your Right-&-Wrong
Tuesday, 25th February 1997
Came to work on Sly & The Family Stone, grand dukes of funk from the 70s who bequeathed the world "Everyday People", "Thank You (Falletinme Be Mice Elf)" and "If You Want Me To Stay". Travelling in on funk is very strange, the journey seems to take longer but everything looks and feels so much better.
However, it is worth noting that being on funk and being in a funk are at opposite ends of the feel-good spectrum. So be careful how funky you get and what kind. Or just stick to Phil bloody Collins, I really don't give a monkey's.
And remember: life is like a big woman in a polythene mac sitting on a green giraffe to the tune of "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree".
B
Came to work on Sly & The Family Stone, grand dukes of funk from the 70s who bequeathed the world "Everyday People", "Thank You (Falletinme Be Mice Elf)" and "If You Want Me To Stay". Travelling in on funk is very strange, the journey seems to take longer but everything looks and feels so much better.
However, it is worth noting that being on funk and being in a funk are at opposite ends of the feel-good spectrum. So be careful how funky you get and what kind. Or just stick to Phil bloody Collins, I really don't give a monkey's.
And remember: life is like a big woman in a polythene mac sitting on a green giraffe to the tune of "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree".
B
Monday, 4 February 2008
Whiplash Girlchild In The Dark
Monday, 24th February 1997
Count your blessings:
1. You can count
2. You are blessed
3. GOTO 1
-
Apparently the only Brit award the Spice Girls aren't going to win is "Ugliest Bloke in Music". The reason they aren't going to win is that in this category Backflip Spice is up against Shaun Ryder.
-
Brown Is The New Black, a fashion sound-bite overused the past year or so. But why should it be merely applied to clothes? Thusly, can we please have a big "brown" of applause for:
Cilla Brown
China Brown
Frank Brown
Brown Velvet
Dry Brownthorne Cider
Brown Bush
Velvet Underground's "The Brown Angel's Death Song"
Sounds of Brownness
Brown Beauty
Stranglers' "Meninbrown"
Rolling Stones' "Paint It Brown"
Brown Grape
The list is endful.
B (Is The New X)
Count your blessings:
1. You can count
2. You are blessed
3. GOTO 1
-
Apparently the only Brit award the Spice Girls aren't going to win is "Ugliest Bloke in Music". The reason they aren't going to win is that in this category Backflip Spice is up against Shaun Ryder.
-
Brown Is The New Black, a fashion sound-bite overused the past year or so. But why should it be merely applied to clothes? Thusly, can we please have a big "brown" of applause for:
Cilla Brown
China Brown
Frank Brown
Brown Velvet
Dry Brownthorne Cider
Brown Bush
Velvet Underground's "The Brown Angel's Death Song"
Sounds of Brownness
Brown Beauty
Stranglers' "Meninbrown"
Rolling Stones' "Paint It Brown"
Brown Grape
The list is endful.
B (Is The New X)
Friday, 1 February 2008
Pray for The Morning
Friday, 21st February 1997
The synonym for "stupid" I've been looking for all week and I've finally got it: it's "fatuous". Wonderful word; the OED defines it as "vacantly silly; purposeless, idiotic", it's in all the books and is easily missed. So, let's get fatuous.
-
"The Road to Hell is paved with good intentions." The bit that always bothered me as a child was that the Road to Hell was paved in the first place. I was familiar with tarmac, aggregate, concrete and even cobbles, but a paved road? Anaethema.
However, I see that phrase now not so much as a truism but as a prophecy. A prophecy that states that the end of the world is to be wrought through pedestrianised shopping areas. Don't ask me how, but the evidence is all there. Minor connecting carriageways laid with slabs of stone by councils to cut down on pollution, congestion and road traffic accidents. Roads paved with good intentions. And they shall lead us into Temptation.
The synonym for "stupid" I've been looking for all week and I've finally got it: it's "fatuous". Wonderful word; the OED defines it as "vacantly silly; purposeless, idiotic", it's in all the books and is easily missed. So, let's get fatuous.
-
"The Road to Hell is paved with good intentions." The bit that always bothered me as a child was that the Road to Hell was paved in the first place. I was familiar with tarmac, aggregate, concrete and even cobbles, but a paved road? Anaethema.
However, I see that phrase now not so much as a truism but as a prophecy. A prophecy that states that the end of the world is to be wrought through pedestrianised shopping areas. Don't ask me how, but the evidence is all there. Minor connecting carriageways laid with slabs of stone by councils to cut down on pollution, congestion and road traffic accidents. Roads paved with good intentions. And they shall lead us into Temptation.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)