Wood-for-trees Obfuscation

Friday, 4th October 1996

Message at Preston Road Station today: "THERE WILL BE NO NORTHBOUND SERVICE FROM HARROW-ON-THE-HILL DUE TO A BODY UNDER THE TRAIN."
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Q: What three records would you take to a desert island?
B: I'd take them all.
Q: No, but what if you could only take three?
B: Then I wouldn't go.
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"Tell her that experiments have shown celibacy drives mice mad."

My favourite definition:
CELIBACY - female singer from Wales, whose hits include "Goldfinger" and "Big Spender" .
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Now rinse.

Binky the Doormat

Thursday, 3rd October 1996

Have you seen those Benetton posters proclaiming "a new shopping experience" in Oxford Street? A new shopping experience??? What's so 'king innovative about going into a building, buying a jersey and buggering off again? Bunch of emmanuels.

"The Lighter Side of Human Suffering": Why have people been sending sample AEs to everyone in the world TWICE?

Bah, humbug.

Big Spoon Baby Balloon

Wednesday, 2nd October 1996

They say the average man has 12,673 thoughts a day. Well I woke up fifteen minutes ago to find myself fully dressed, in front of my computer, about to switch it on. That's two hours of thoughts successfully bypassed. If I continue at this rate I reckon I can get down to three thoughts every two days within eight years and conceivably live to nine-hundred and four.

Think about it.

Got a message from Lil' Timmy S*********d.

Hey there - Yes I am learning from people like you, I'm very new to the world of computers so this is my way of saying "hey world out there". My comments have no intent but to spark thought and conversation. The reason for the "just you" statement is that you and a few others responded positively and I hope to learn from you. Thanks.

I didn't think he'd fold so quick.

Time to start thinking again.

Find The River

Tuesday, 1st October 1996

Did anyone see "Cutting Edge" last night? I almost fell out of my chair! The recently-passed driving examiner who couldn't spell "visibility" and the woman taking her test for the 42nd time! Class programming, top stuff...

There was a crane in the river today; not the big yellow metal type, the birdy type. It looked a bit lost, and I was reminded of the Camel in the North Pole joke, but then forgot it again.

Timmy "the Tosser" S*********d hasn't contacted me yet. I'll give him another day before following it up.

No-one better even THINK of telling me any "dead octuplet" jokes. That kind of stuff is just not funny. It's sick.

T'raa.

Let the Children Lose It, Let the Children Use It...

Monday, 30th September 1996

... let all the children boogie.

Realised something quite disturbing walking into work today. Just past the Swan & Bottle, watching the swans, and there was a female swan; and I could tell it was female because it looked like shit. Now hold your horses; think about the difference between a male peacock and a female peacock (or peahen, if you must), then consider the mallard, both genders; in fact, think of any bird of note, whether for its gaily coloured plumage or gaudy physical abnormality, then look at his missus. Invariably smaller and smeary poo brown.

So am I decrying the female of the species? NO! This simple display of nature is showing us something very clever and obvious and rather telling. It is showing us this; for while women choose their mates with taste and aesthetics as considerations... men will shag anything.

I th'k y.

I'm Martin Sheen, I'm Steve McQueen, I'm Jimmy Dean...

Thursday, 26th September 1996

Today's got one of those "first day of term" feelings, don't you think? Bit colder, starker light, little bit emptier everywhere. Right now Australians are wearing shorts to work and slapping on zinc cream. Rather daft if you live in Earl's Court, but that's our colonial cousins for you.

Any more songs for people? Why not?

Drink at least one pint of water today if you don't already. And remember, each day we are one day closer to the end of the world.

Cheers then

Talking Loud and Clear

Wednesday, 25th September 1996

I had a good nine-hours sleep last night and now I'm knacked. Someone explain.

Songs pertaining to people at work.

Stevo - "Are Friends Electric?" by Gary Numan
Caroline - "Can't Stand Up (For Falling Down)" by Elvis Costello
Gilles - "Come Up To My Lighthouse" by Pulp

This is mandatory: if you think of a song, you must join in.

La di da

Feast of Maximum Occupancy

Tuesday, 24th September 1996

Hello folks, wasn't in yesterday, religious holiday. It begins the night before with a take-out meal containing undercooked meats and a bottle of corked red wine. Once the feast is finished, we have to wait for the food to digest and react badly with the wine, before we give thanks by throwing up until about 4am. The Day of Further Illness and Recuperation follows.

Vernal equinox over the weekend. That's right; 12 hours of day, 12 hours of night. The dark now officially has dominion over the light.

Saw my first daddy-long-legs of the season on the train home last Friday. 1996 is gradually dropping down the Karpofsky scale.

kEEP SMILING

Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy

Friday, 20th September 1996

In the words of John Lennon "I've got nothing to say but it's okay, good morning."

How was your Thursday night? After the pub I stayed in and ate Thai food - yeuck! There's like lime and lemon and fennel twig in everything, it's all too much.

Hey, Such a Lovely Day...

Thursday, 19th September 1996

So there I was on the train, just popped out the earphones and settled down to me book, and this bloke sits down in the seat over the aisle. So I'm reading, it's chucking it down outside, and I can hear the familiar crackle of a walkman on on a train. This annoys me until I remember "oh hang on, I'm normally the annoying git playing his music too loud", so I carry on reading, and try to ignore it. But I can't, because it sounds familiar. I decide to play the Game and try to guess what this chap's listening to.

For non-consecutive split seconds I know what it is, but I can't pin it down, and we go Ruislip Manor, Ruislip ... Ickenham, and as we pull into Uxbridge the whole carriage goes quiet like it normally does as the commuting population prepare to rush the doors and I catch three crackly uninterrupted seconds of the music. It is familiar, very familiar; it's only the same bloody album I was listening to before I got me book out.

Don't tell me I don't need coffee in the morning.

B (Shorking Tite Again)

P.S. Apropos of nothing, watch NEVERWHERE tonight BBC2 9pm. There's a precis before it starts so you can catch up if you missed last week's.

More Garbled Nonsense

Wednesday, 18th October 1996

Hello.

If you've seen "Clueless", don't bother with "Emma". It's like a period-costume remake starring Gwyneth Paltrow as Alicia Silverstone and Muriel out of Muriel's Wedding as the Hispanic girl. Cah, when a writer like Jane Austen starts ripping off teen comedies, you've got to wonder about the state of the world. Good movie though, sags a bit in the middle, but then again who doesn't?

You know "Neverwhere"? It's out on video already. How 'bout that? The people at MVC are going to give me the display stand ...

The cariyu: if you get caught short by the banks of a river, beware!

Chooseday

Tuesday, 17th September 1996

So how was your evening? Mine was great, you know, watching vids and looking forward to Film 96, when in comes our friend (A's brother's friend to be precise) Winston. His wife's just given birth. Congratulations - tell us about it. And he starts talking. And talking. A "look of interest" fixes on my face, I'm too polite to stop this guy's tale of medical incompetence, septicaemia and a battle for life. The clock ticks by, he talks with the dogged resolve of a murder lawyer, covering the same ground over and over like he's telling it to the judge.

Eventually I start scratching the furniture and realise that the evening is slipping away. I try to look bored but it feels rude. A voice in my head says "shut up shut up Shut Up SHUT UP!", this story is interminable in detail, my compassion fatigue has full grip and by now I couldn't care less about streptococcus and vaginal swabs, just tell us the kid's alright now and f**k off.

Two hours later, after ten minutes of me going "ah well", "all's well that ends well", "you've really gone through the hoops" and "at least he's okay", all those little conversation killers that come before "honey, fetch me the gun", he stops talking! He leaves! He goes upstairs to play Quake! I switch on the telly...

...and Barry Norman's slagging off "Escape from LA" - I missed the "Striptease" review. Bugger!

Yipee-kai-ay, feathermuckers.

Danger: Karaoke

Monday, 16th September 1996

I should point out the dangers of not knowing what a song's about before you sing it; you can hear a song a dozen times without knowing what the specifics of the lyrics are.

A sang "Salvation" by the Cranberries, both of us hitherto unaware of Ms. O'Riordan's graphic lyrics regarding heroin abuse. It was a bit of an eye-opener; A came off saying "I'm not doing that again".

Macbeth Walks Under a Ladder and Sees a Single Magpie

Friday, 13th September 1996

Joyous Friday 13th to yiz.

Are you well? Like the shoes - are they new? What have you done to your hair, it looks different! You've got an eyelash on your cheek.

Heights, pigeons, rats and blood. I had a good time last night. And unlike everyone else, I feel fine this morning.

Anyone see that documentary about those women who had been taking testosterone to become men? If you did: you never see Blue Peter make anything like they did, frighteningly realistic. Strange days have found us, strange days have tracked us down....

So how unwell do you feel?

"I feel like a pig shat in my head." Name the film and win a banana.

Jai guru deva om

Day of Thor

Thursday, 12th September 1996

Morning.

Well, I hope you're all going to be good girls and boys tonight and start watching "Neverwhere" on BBC2. I doubt it will be anything less than unusually brilliant. Written by Neil Gaiman and starring absolutely no-one you've heard of, oh sod it you can read the Radio Times, can't you ...

Watched "Dead Poets Society" last night, haven't seen it in years, still good. Carpe diem - seize the fish.

Five words of warning. Tesco's Lamb Rogan Josh - don't. It's ghastly. It's tinned. It contains "bouillon", which is the secret ingredient that makes all tinned foods taste of phlegm. If served,
shoot host.

Back to the future.

The First Day of the End of the Year

Wednesday, 11th September 1996

Afternoon, I'll keep this brief.

Today's the first day of the end of the year. The air coming to work today had that damp, dull car-metal tang to it, not a sense of a tree or fresh breeze. I bumped into my old TD teacher from school today, I last saw him about ten years ago and already he's turning into an old man. The edges of the sky are filed down and dusted over, sharp and indistinct at the same time. The convenience stores have stopped selling ice. And somewhere in Scotland is the hottest part of the country.

Get your jumpers out.

Attacked by a lawn mower

Tuesday, 10th September 1996

They got Steven ... they got me too. Arm yourselves, no-one's safe... THE UXBRIDGE SCISSORS MASSACRE!
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D'you know, despite telling everyone and e-mailing the notice board about my absence yesterday, I got a call from my agency yesterday saying that HR at Pharma Balimo had just called them asking where I was.

What I couldn't understand was why they'd called at 5.15pm, by which time I would've gone home anyway! Mungously barmy.

Thank Twix It's September

Friday, 6th September 1996

... or something like that.

Pop quizzers: "Staying up playing cards, Henri Winterman cigars"

Give my regards to Nun Ine, Own. I'm tidying the house this weekend and it should be great fun, oh yeah, I'll be lucky if I see a tree before Tuesday.

Saw "Bed of Roses" last night.
The first half hour was a delight.
The rest of the movie
Was far from too groovy
So therefore I'd say it was shite.

Remember, remember, the 5th of September

Thursday, 5th September 1996

Merry Thursday.

So what's new? Anyone see those leeches on TV last night? Ewwww! The worst was when they had all the baby leeches - errrggh! Like something out of "The Search for Spock". "Natural remedy" my arse.

(Suede. The new album by Suede. Buy the new album by Suede.)

They had Backflip out of the Spice Girls on Radio 1 this morning. God she sounds interesting. No offense from anyone from the midlands, but that bloody mithering accent ...

("Coming Up")

Who remembers commemorative coins at primary school?

I'm off, got to rehydrate.

Pop Quiz

Tuesday, 3rd September 1996

Morning all.

Has anyone ever written a song about Tuesday? I wouldn't be suprised if they hadn't.

And what kind of rain do you call that? Jeez, it's hardly worth putting your brolly up and before you know it you're wringing out your wig. It's arse, that's what it is.

Anyway, you're all busy so I'll let you get back to it.

See yeh, t'raa.

Light Bulb Joke # 2680949

Thurdsay, 25th July 1996

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, if they're small enough.

Think about it.