Zig-a-zig-arrrrse

Tuesday, 7th January 1997

Don't the Spice Girls look like they should be fighting crime perpetrated by costumed villains?

Having successfully predicted the arrival of the UK's latest pop phenoms two years in advance, these are my new pop forecasts;

• Geri, Mel C, Mel D, Mel E and Trevor will be given their own TV show and cartoon slot by the year 2000.
• Keith Prodigy and Rusty Lee Spice Girl will marry briefly in 1998. Their Malibu wedding is marred by the couple unfortunately locking tongue-studs shortly after the ceremony, ending in casualty.
• Backflip is kicked out of the UK Millenial Women's Olympic Gymnastic team for being a bloke.
• The blonde one gets her GCSEs and becomes an apprentice hairdresser in Lowestoft.
• Geri (37) gets her old job back to make a brief guest appearance as a dolly bird on the Turkish TV game show hit "Come Into My Shop And Buy A Carpet".
• Victoria reveals through her friends that she was in fact born without a tongue.
• After five years of success and three albums, the Spice Girls sadly tell the press and millions of tearful boys that they are in fact splitting up. Record sales for Irish girl group Girlzarea go through the roof.

Place your bets.

Mel B